48 things to never do in Twilight
by superpenguinBob
Summary: Umm... Read the title...


WARNING: Beware of severe amount of bullshit.

We don't own anything except the gypsy whore and Jeremiah... And maybe we had something to do with the vampire pumpkin... But that's it... We think...

48 things to never do in Twilight unless you're Alice or suicial

48. Take Bella skydiving

47. Sign Bella up for MMA lessons.

46. Tell Alice that she needs a makeover.

45. Attempt to give Alice the aforementioned makeover.

44. Handcuff Emmett to a crazy, rabid fangirl.

43. Ask Jane why she never wears pink like all the other girls.

42. Tell Alec that you think Jane might secretly be a boy.

41. When he says that it is impossible point out that she refuses to wear pink unlike all the other girls her age.

40. Give Aro a vampire Pumpkin.

39. Take the Cullens to a blood drive and say: "Hey, look guys! Snacks!"

38. Say that Bella has a mythological beings fetish.

37. Ask Edward how he makes his hair so gay.

36. Tell Bella she wouldn't have as many problems if she found a boyfriend that was actually alive.

35. Tell her werewolves don't count.

34. Put a couple of ticks in a jar. Give them to Jacob. Say Bella sent them because they reminded her of him.

33. Ask Edward why he isn't as hot as Cedric Diggory.

32. Tell Edward that he looks like a crazy, hobo stalker.

31. Ask Alice to stand in the corner of your living room at Christmas. Explain that you couldn't afford a Christmas tree this year and she seemed suitably decorative.

30. When Jasper asks if you think that his true love is a decoration reply with: "That's why you keep her around, right?"

29. Buy Jane SPF 500 for her birthday.

28. Get Jacob a singing birthday card. Make it play the chiwawa song. Make sure he can't delete it.

27. Ask Edward how the voices in his head are doing today.

26. Drop Demetri and Emmett off at a deserted island. Make sure they can't swim back.

25. Introduce Edward to Cedric Diggory with the words:"That's the guy you're not as hot as."

24. Say Alice reminds you of The Annoying Orange since they talk the same, are the same size and their ass is the same shape.

23. Ask the wolf pack to dance to Raining men. Call Jacob a chicken when he refuses. Tell him that Edward would have done it.

22. Constantly call Jane cute.

21. Invite Jane to Edward's and Bella's wedding. Tell her to bring Demetri.

20. Ask Emmett if he's ever noticed that his brother was a pedophile and his future sister in law a necrophiliac.

19. When Alice tries to greet you, respond with:"Do I know you?" when she tries to explain that you've known her for some time take a step back look at her and go:"I get it. You're Harry Potter's long lost twin."

18. Buy Alice a stepladder for her birthday. Explain that you bought it so she could actually reach her boyfriend for a change.

17. Tell Edward that for some reason he reminds you of Adam Lambert.

16. Ask Edward if he realizes that Jacob practically raped his girlfriend.

15. Every time you see the Cullens scream:"Incest!" and then run away.

14. Ask Edward if it disturbs him that a werewolf wants to fuck his daughter.

13. Tell Edward that everybody knows that the piano is the gayest instrument.

12. Dare Edward to flash the entire school. When he refuses tell him that Jacob would've done it

11. Ask Carlisle if he is related to Dracula. When he says no ask:"How about Esme?"

10. Keep asking Bella why she wants to marry a guy who looks like an albino pedo-bear.

9. Ask Rosalie how it feels to be a cougar.

8. Look at Alice and go:"I thought that the seven dwarfs were supposed to be male."

7. After a while ask:"You are a girl, right?"

6. Ask Alice when she's going to hit puberty.

5. Answer all of Jasper's sentences with either "Sir, yes sir!" or "That's not what Maria told me."

4. Ask Rosalie:"Haven't you and Emmett been together for long enough to start thinking about kids?"

3. Remark that Edward's lines are so desperately cliché and then add:"You know, with his looks it's no surprise that he's so desperate."

2. Ask Rosalie when was the last time she got her period. When she tells you respond with:"That's so long, maybe you're pregnant."

And the number one thing to NEVER EVER do in Twilight is:

1. Tell Alice that she is the offspring of a half-blind, midget, gypsy whore and a one-eyed, one-armed, albino Afghanistan priest named Jeremiah.


End file.
